Sorry for the delay in postings...I've been really busy and in a really big funk.
Let me break it down for you...You know that part in all wedding vows that has to do with "'til death do us part"? What if you really had to face that. Don't worry, the dude and I are both perfectly healthy...but what if your significant other wasn't? How do you get through?
Essentially what's going on is I know of a couple I met in my college fraternity (What's up DELTASIGS??). This couple graduated and got married. This couple looks like the poster couple for all things perfect. Perfect teeth, perfect smiles, perfect love (from what I could tell)...I knew they were right for each other. I didn't keep in touch with this couple, but did think back on them (and everyone else) fondly as I thought about all the events I was part of in my fraternity. Fast forward to about a month ago, I get an email from another brother (we're all brothers...so that's how I refer to everyone)...anyway, the guy of the couple has been ill for over a year. Turns out he's not going to make it. I went back and read the entire blog and just sobbed...and sobbed. It literally shut me down, mentally...emotionally.
Yes, I feel absolutely awful for this couple and can't believe the courage I read about every time I visit that site...it's simply amazing. But could I be that strong? Could I watch it happen? Could I sit there? I don't know...I mean I broke down READING about someone I went to college with but don't talk to. Am I strong enough for this? How do you ever know? It's encouraging to know that others have the capacity they do...maybe it's in human nature to be there and simply protect and comfort those you love? I hope so.
Anyway, I think I'm finally climbing out of my hole. It made for an interesting birthday and start to my summer...but I think I'm coming out of it and truly learning to cherish everyone. Not just my dude...everyone.
So let this commence the update posts again. I have a lot to share with you.
I think about this a lot because at any one time I have at least 5 friends whose husbands are deployed somewhere scary. And, every once in a while it is my husband! When you have kids, the thought of being without him gets even more frightening.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it comes down to logic. If I were to lose Brad I would have to force myself out of emotional chaos and into logicland. It sounds so cold, but people do what they have to, to cope with and overcome tragedy. If I weren't a mother, I could allow myself a decent amount of time (forever even) to be in a ridiculous grief funk and just cry for days at a time. But, because I have little people that rely on me, and because I have thought about this morbid possibility so many times, I have a plan. Logic.
Will Brad go to heaven (a very important thing for me to know/believe if I should out live him)? Yes.
Will I have a close group of friends nearby to comfort and support me in my grief so that I am not totally alone? Yes. Unless he were to die the week we move to a new base...but even then planes are pretty fast to bring loved ones to me.
Will I have to worry about basic needs in the event of Brad's sudden perpetual absence (bills, food, a place to live, etc)? No.
Will I be able to handle being a single mother to many children? Yes.
Will he know how much I loved him? Yes.
Will the kids know how much he loved them? Yes.
Will my husband be dead? Yes.
Will I be able to hold it together for the sake of the kids? I will have no choice.
Everyone grieves differently. Some people hold on for 20 years to a loss. Some people can move on in less than a year. Who is to say what is healthy or not, or how long it will take them. You do what you have to do, and play with the cards you get dealt. You might not be able to plan exactly how to play your hand without knowing what cards are going to be in it, but you can study the game and strategize for certain potential scenarios. And, as morbid as it may be, that's what I have done.
Amelia... I am right there with you. You should have seen me when Eric and I were getting life insurance, I was a wreck. I have an awful time coping with the idea of something happening to Eric. Now, I always make myself remember something I heard in a StoryCorps interview before Eric and I were even together (link here: http://storycorps.org/listen/stories/nora-percival-and-emily-wynns/). You can listen for yourself but the basic story is that this woman's husband got sick when they were very young, (I'm tearing up just writing this) and he died, and she said she couldn't imagine living in a world that didn't have him in it, but life has a way of demanding that you live it. She was pregnant. Eric and I believe that there is one person made for everyone, if he died, that would be it for me for love and marriage, there would be no "moving on" in that way, but I know I would have to move forward with life for our children. I know that if the worst should happen, I have the skills somewhere inside me to cope with it. Doesn't mean I won't burst into tears thinking about living this life out without my best friend. Now grab a box of tissue and listen to Nora's story.
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